What a beautiful weekend!

Not only was the weather amazing, but my child was (mostly) an angel! 

I ran Sat & Sun, but I didn't make it to the gym at all.  I suppose all the climbing & chasing my child around the park is about what the gym would've done for me anyway, right?  hehe  Today the pace of my run was really slow, BUT, I ran 10 minutes straight, which was a first for me!  I usually run about 5 minutes, then walk 2-3 minutes, then run 5 minutes, etc.  I somehow pushed myself to run 10 minutes straight, and I was pretty sure I would die at the end.  I was also pretty sure that the app had crashed on my phone & I was running way longer than 10 minutes.  :p  Funny how long 10 minutes can feel sometimes!

I keep wanting to say I suck at running, then I remember that for the past 30+ years I have done everything in my power to avoid running.  With that in mind, I'm doing great.  I can't expect to be marathon material after a few weeks, right?  ;)  Besides, I have no interest in a marathon.  Now, triathlons interest me...

I did it!

Okay, I can't say it's some huge accomplishment to most people [runners], BUT, I ran 1/2 mile straight w/out stopping.  The strong-arm, Denya, had to 1/2 mile straight as her "easy" day (man, that means I REALLY suck), and she told me I could do it...  I, of course, told her I couldn't.  I truly didn't buy the notion that I could run 1/2 mile straight 'cause I've never run more than 2 minutes straight (which probably equates to just under 1/4 mile). I was wrong though - I did it!  AND, after she left, I ran another 1/2 mile (or close to it, I'm not positive on the distance) straight by myself.  Woohoo!!  I may actually be able to do a 5K one day.  I really may.

I hoped to run a bit today too, but I'm not feeling so hot, so I decided to take the day off (and will be headed to bed very soon).  Tomorrow, assuming I feel at least 50% better, I will hit the gym for cardio & weights.  Yay.  :p

Running Out of Gas

I'm running out of gas in the mommy tank.  I love my child, he's super intelligent, he's very loving, he's HILARIOUS, he's full of life, he's handsome, he's an all-around, amazing child.  Buuuut (you saw that coming, right?) he's a handful.  I've started to feel absolutely awful because I've realized that all I ever seem to do is reflect on the negative.  When people ask about him, I don't say "he can count to 30, name all the continents, knows most of the states, can spell his name, etc, etc", I say "he doesn't every shut up, he never stops moving, he doesn't sleep, he yells at me & demands things from me, etc, etc".  Sometimes I break down in tears (generally when I'm by myself) because I feel like a failure as a mom.  I see my friends & how they boast about their kids, or, heck, I see their kids & want to boast about them myself.  Then I look across the room & see mine - running carelessly around, screaming at the top of his lungs, jumping off things, destroying toys...  It's not that I'm not proud of him, I AM!  It's not that I don't think he's going to grow up to be an amazing man, HE WILL!  It's just that right now, it's H.A.R.D.  (I imagine, with his personality it always will be.)  He already back-talks (yes, he's 3.5), he already gets notes home from school, he already tells us he's moving away (or, like yesterday, that he wants to live at Mimi's house, not ours).  I wasn't expecting this much intensity from a young child.  I knew these things would come up in my years of parenting, but I never thought they'd come up this early or happen EVERY day (no, I'm not exaggerating). 

I'm sick of yelling.  I'm sick of time outs & spanking & taking things away.  I'm tired of being yelled at.  I'm tired of him DEMANDING things from me.  I'm tired of spending the little bit of time I have with him disciplining him instead of having fun.  This is not what I thought parenting would be.  Truth be told, there are moments that I just want to hand him to someone else & walk away for, well, I have no idea how long.  Thank goodness for the amazing husband & father that Luke is.  He knows when to step in, but he's got to be exhausted too!  Thank goodness we've been together so long already, or our marriage might not have been able to survive the exhaustion that parenting this very special little boy brings.

I googled a little today & found some blogs written by moms of spirited children & it is so encouraging to know that other people are out there feeling exactly like I do.  We might be the minority, but there's more of us out there - I am not alone!  I've ordered some books about parenting a strong-willed/spirited child & I'm hoping they help.  Between seeing that other people really are going through this too (not the people that claim to understand life with a spirited child because ONE time little Timmie threw a fit), and reading up on how to handle a defiant, high-energy kid, I'm hoping to come out of this... well, to come out of it alive is good enough for me!

I want to work on putting a positive spin on the negative traits that are driving me batty, which is easier when he's not sitting next to me than it is when we're in the moment ('cause EVERY waking moment with him is "the moment").  I am writing this down though, as a goal for myself, to see the positive in the midst of the hard moments.

In other news, related in the sense that they bring me stress-relief, I am slowly getting back into the swing of things with my workouts.  I'm back in the gym, running a little, and now I'm trying to pay attention to what I eat (no more ice cream in our house on a regular basis!).  I need to be able to control something in my life, and I need a source for stress relief - exercise wins on both fronts.

So, how's your Monday going?

I Ran Away

I ran away, but I didn't run far.  The fact that I ran at all was enough for me. 

I had a horribly stressful day yesterday, and all I could think - the whole day! - was how much I wanted...  NEEDED... to run.  So, I got home, changed my clothes, and raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan.  At first, it was no help in clearing my mind.  I was running & thinking "man, this SUCKS", "I'm SO out of shape", "I can't do this", and about 200 hundred other negative thoughts.  I wondered how on earth running was suppose to bring a person clarity, when all it did for me was throw more misery on the plate.  Then, at the point that I thought "I cannot run a single step more", it all washed away.  I realized I wasn't concentrating on the stress, the pain, the hurt...  I was concentrating on making it to a certain point, then slightly past that point.  I was picturing myself, one day in the future, running without the hesitations I felt in that moment.  It felt so, so good.  (Even though it hurt so bad.  KWIM?)

Don't let me paint a graceful picture in your head.  I ran, I walked, I sucked air, I ran, my pants crawled up my waist, I ran, I walked, I sucked lots more air, my underwear crawled up my butt, I ran...  I'm saying I wasn't a pretty sight, but I needed it - to be out there, to run it all away.  It wasn't about what I looked like, or who was watching.  For once, I DIDN'T CARE.  I probably only ran 25 minutes, of course not all of that was actually running, but it was a huge deal for me.  It was me going out the door, all alone, to run.  For me.

The best part was learning that it DOES clear your head.  It did suck (again, I'm completely out of shape from my 2 month long laziness break), but it "hurt so good".  I walked back in my house, sweaty, tired, and de-stressed.  Now, if only I could find a way to avoid the sweat part so I could run my stresses away during my lunch break...

Lullaby & Goodnight

I finally decided on a work out plan schedule!  Tues/Fri/Sat (& some Sun) nights at the gym.  Then, I'll run whatever 3 days my running partner & I can work out (not consecutively though, at least 1 day in between each run).  I sooooo miss my 3:30am workouts at the gym, but my non-sleeping child just won't allow them, so this is the plan I can work with.  Still not ideal, but you have to work with what you're given, right?

After deciding on my plan yesterday, I intended to put Kasen to sleep & then head to the gym.  I figured I'd be there by 9 & I'd be back home by 10:30, do my chores, then get some sleep myself.  Welllllll, that didn't happen.  None of it.  Well, other than "get some sleep myself" part.

You see, we finally figured out that if we lay down with Kasen, he will go to sleep & not get out of our bed 5,000,000 times.  Our bed?  Yes, our bed.  We also recently figured out that if he sleeps in our bed, he sleeps through the night.  I've got no beef with the family bed, none at all.  I figure once he starts school he'll want to be in his own bed, for fear of ridicule from his fellow classmates (insert eye roll).  He may be back in his bed before then even - who knows.  For now, him being in our bed = a full night of sleep for everyone, so who really cares?  I value my sleep more than I value a bed with no kid in it.  Besides, I was pretty sad when we had to kick him out of our bed before (he is a crazy restless sleeper, as am I, and it just didn't work anymore). 

Back to the story at hand though...  Around 8 last night, we all laid down to get Kasen to sleep.  ...around 11 I woke up.  doh!  I had no desire to drive to the gym at 11pm on a Saturday night (especially with the rain coming in).  So, my great plan has hit a bump before it even started.  Such is life.

I do have a plan now, and that's the biggest step I think.  I guess getting back to my workouts starts on Tuesday.  (I'm actually pretty excited about it too!)  Meanwhile, I'm gonna go run around in the snow & enjoy my 3 day weekend 'cause there's no way this momma is gonna be driving on ice to get to work tomorrow.

Happy Twenty Eleven!

It's a new year.  Yay.  2010 wasn't too bad for me really.  The only truly bad thing that comes to mind was the unexpected loss of my uncle.  Granted, that was horrible, but compared to some of the struggles others went through in 2010, that's not too bad. 

On to 2011 though!  This will be the year...  of something.  haha, seriously, this will be the year I run a 5K.  At least one, maybe two, or even three.  (Let's not get ahead of ourselves though!)  That was part one of my resolution.  Part two was TO GET OUT OF DEBT!  Enough already!  Back in 2009 we did The Year Without, we did really, really great that year & paid off a ton of debt.  Then we relaxed way too much in 2010 & didn't finish the goal of being debt free.  Curse us!  Oh well, 2011 is the year!  Hopefully this summer we will be able to say we're debt free [but the house]!  We have my car loan (yes, that un-did The Year Without, oops!), which will be paid off in the next couple of months.  (Might I add, I got my car at the end of May, so we didn't do that bad.)  We also still have my pesky college loans.  Those will follow right behind the car & that will make us debt free!!  Yay!  Hopefully we'll be able to celebrate by having a fun vacation in the fall.  I still have to work on the man for that one.  Kasen has been blessed by being able to take a cool vacation every year of his life so far though, so I hate to change that.  It's all about him you know!

Changes for 2011 include a monthly meal plan for us, to help reduce the grocery bill & to reduce my after work "what am I gonna fix for dinner" stress.  I hope to get a regular work out plan in place, including the elliptical & weights at the gym (maybe I'll take up swimming at some point too, we'll see), and then 3 days of running outside of the gym.  Hopefully we'll be able to get some good off-road bike rides in this spring/summer/fall.  We didn't ride much in 2010 & I missed it.  I also hope to get several weekend/long weekend camping trips in this year & try to be a little more nature/outdoors oriented in things we do with Kasen, since he's getting old enough to stay out of perilous danger (or so I hope).

Now that we've got all that "it's a new year" crap out of the way...  BRING ON TWENTY ELEVEN!  Happy New Year to all of you!