((Perhaps before you read further you should reference my last post, because there are ppl who (mostly at least) get it, and there is support for all of us. This post is just my personal pity party, a glimpse of the emotional turmoil I'm living in at this moment.))
I. screwed. up. It is my fault. I thought I had it figured out & I thought life was grand. Boy, oh boy, was I wrong! KMan, he did great *with me* unmedicated. He was awesome. Life was great. (Well, mostly at least.) I suppose because really life was just better than it had been on the ADHD
Oh dear heaven, I failed him. I failed him miserably.
He was no longer shielded from crowds (there's almost 1,000 kids in his K-4th school!!), he was no longer allowed to break rules that were okay to break, he was no longer given guidance when he was overwhelmed/overstimulated/over-anything. So the notes began, and the oops slips came, and the calls started... but even with all that, I wasn't really being told how bad it was. You know what the worst part is?
Other parents are concerned.
They're afraid my kid might hurt their kid (which I honestly can't see happening - but I know my kid & they don't, so I don't fault them for thinking it's possible. I guess.). They're bothered my kid is sucking up learning time. They're expressing who-knows-what other concerns & all I get to know is that "other parents are concerned". Isn't that awful? That I can't be told more than that? These parents somehow know enough about *MY* child to be concerned, but I'm not allowed to know more about their specific concerns. Seems wrong, doesn't it? But, what do I do?? The handful of parents I've run into have never expressed a concern to me directly & I'm not sure if it's because they're to ??scared?? to, or if the ones I've run into really have no problem. How can I know? Do you have any idea how much that hurts though? To know that ADULTS are forming an opinion about MY BABY, when they don't even know him? and if they are forming an opinion, are they sharing that opinion with their children? If so, where on earth is that going to lead?? Nowhere good, that's for sure.
Seriously, sit and think for a moment - whether you have a NT (neuro-typical aka "normal") kid or a kid with whatever kind of issue... what if that was YOUR BABY that parents were judging???
How can I not feel alone right now? Have YOU ever been told those words? Have YOU ever had your heart stomped on that way? All the support & love in the world cannot fix the part of me that was broken the moment those words were put out there. Never. I will never, ever, ever have that part of my heart back.
If I had the patience (& I didn't have a toddler), I probably would've pulled him from school at that moment to homeschool. But I do not have it in me right now. If I ever have to do it, I will, because that's what moms do, right? But I'm not at that point yet. Why? Because his school is great. They are working so hard to find a way for him. I am working so hard to find a way for him.
KMan is a social butterfly, Right now he's pretty clueless about whether others like him or not (plus, they're still young enough that it changes at the drop of a hat), and as for the few people that he has realized don't like him, he doesn't take that as a bad thing, but as a challenge to change their opinion. :p He's awesome like that.
Me on the other hand, I gave up caring what other people thought long ago, but that moment of being told that "other parents have concerns" brought back the strangest feelings of isolation. Let's be brutally honest here, many NT parents just don't get (or care to attempt to get) that the issues your child is struggling with is not a reflection of you, but a serious neurological problem in them. So you stand on the sidelines & suddenly feel them looking down their noses at you. Wow. I haven't felt that in a long time (I think it went out the day Kman beat me with a summer sausage in the grocery store while screaming "wiiiieeeeener!"), but those words sure brought out all kinds of anxious isolating angst. Now I'll wonder, every time we get one of the whole-class invitations to a party - is this the parent that has an issue with my kid & is praying we don't show? Even beyond that... are parents planning parties & leaving my kid out completely? Nobody wants that. Not for themselves but especially not their kids. This is tough stuff.
Gosh, I'm not sure I shared anything that is of any value to anyone reading this (other than - you aren't the only one out there!!), and it was really more of a personal whine fest than anything else. Somehow it helped to say it. I'm still not really in the mood to talk about it. but I needed to get it off my chest!
The meeting yesterday was so much more than that tiny (hurtful) part. It was a very productive meeting & I really do feel like his school is doing all they can to help him succeed. There's a small difference in him now that the meds have been started (for at least a few hours anyway), and we'll play the dosage/combo game until we get it all worked out, but I don't think we can rely on just that as he gets further along in school. The school is going to do some more observations & they're going to try to work more positive rewards in for him meanwhile. We're going to meet again in a couple of weeks & I really hope things have improved already by then, but I have no doubt that we will get him to a wonderful place even if it's not that soon.
He's SO smart. He's super creative. He's funny, and certainly the life of the party. He's in love with reading, and he's really getting curious about God on a deeper level. He's got so many amazing attributes, I really am blessed to have him in my life. Sometimes it's hard to see the good in the midst of life's troubles, but I don't ever want to take for granted what an amazing boy he is & I truly believe there are great things in store for his future.