We've lived in this new city for almost 4 years now. We've met incredible people, made wonderful friends, seen new things, experienced life in an even bigger city than the big city we grew up in... But. /sigh/ But.
I'm not sure that many, if any, days have gone by that I didn't long for being back where I "belong". It's not that I've been made to feel I don't belong here, and it's not that we haven't made a wonderful life for ourselves here, but if I am being totally, completely, utterly honest - this is not where my heart lives. My heart is with my family, and with my friends that are like family, and with the city I knew & loved for 32 years. I am done. I want to go home.
I miss having dates with my husband (because, let's be honest, after paying a sitter, who actually has money for a date?!), I miss the comfort of visiting family whenever the mood stuck (or someone had a birthday, or an anniversary, or a bad day, or even because my dad flipped another car (yeah, that's right! love you daddy)). I miss knowing the way to get everywhere (even the secret backroads) without using a GPS. I miss sitting on my best friend's couch and doing nothing - because there was no lingering feeling of having missed so many events, or of the upcoming separation when I went home.
Family is so different when you're not close by. Yes, we visit them & they visit us, but it's such a different feeling. The relationships have changed, the dynamics are skewed. Again, there's a lingering feeling of what we've missed & the fact that the visit will come to an end & then there may be months between our visits. I feel badly asking the kids' grandparents to watch my kids so I can catch up with friends because then I'm not spending time catching up with my parents (or my in laws). Even the longest visit has time constraints & logistical difficulties. Extended family members and friends who aren't the super-closest of close get left out of so many visits.
Really, what I'm saying here is that IT SUCKS.
I want my kids to know their extended family better. *I* want to know my extended family better - short visits a few times a year don't leave much time for deep conversations, it's all so superficial! I want my kids to grow up with the kids of my lifelong friends. I want to see my lifelong friends' kids grow up (and not on Facebook or Instagram). I want to make sure my kids see how very important family relationships are - so they don't move super far away with my future grandchildren! (haha)
If it were as easy as packing our things up & crossing our fingers, I think I'd beg & plead until I convinced the hubby that moving back home is the best thing for us. But it's not that easy. (Especially in this economy.) Don't get me wrong, IF (I feel like that's probably a pretty big IF!) we ever move back I will miss the friendships we have formed here. I'll miss so very many things about the life we've created here (and, hello, we live in THE BEST neighborhood ever. For real.), but I'll have my mommy. And my mommy-in-law (who really is great, I don't believe all that evil mother in law stuff!). Anyone who has a half-way decent mom has to know that having your mommy close by kinda trumps all other things. Am I right??
Why am I pouring all this out now? I have no idea. Just felt the need to be totally honest. (Plus, maybe if I'm lucky someone will read this & offer the hubby (or myself) some amazing job opportunity to take us back...) Maybe I'm having an especially homesick moment right now. Maybe I'm completely overwhelmed with my life & wish my village-that-was-a-village-before-I-knew-I-needed-a-village was closer to ease some of the burden. Maybe I just realize life is really short & I'm missing a lot of the days of the lives of the people that matter most to me. Or, you know, sometimes I just like to overshare. I have a sneaky suspicion I'm not alone in the feelings I have though. Not sure that knowing other people feel the same really helps in any way, but it does at least remind you others suffer too. hahaha.
So, in summary.
I WANT TO GO HOME!!!!!!!!