Tuesday, December 30, 2014


The past few years have been full of big changes & exhausting challenges.  There was selling a house (that took 6 months, mind you!), adding a new baby, moving away from the city we called home all our lives, sending Kman off to school, building a house, saying goodbye to loved ones, and so many more life changing events.  2015 will certainly continue that trend as we take on some serious lifestyle changes in our family. For now though, let's talk about everyone's favorite New Years topic... RESOLUTIONS.

his year I decided to make just 2 resolutions:
1 - Be more present & more patient with my kids.
2 - Run

I think the first is actually kinda two, but they will easily go hand in hand.  If I'm more present (not allowing technology, to-do lists, and all the other distracting things to be my priority over my kids), I will be more patient.  ...and by being more patient (slowing down, taking time to show them how to do things, to not get so upset when they make mistakes, to really listen to their words, and to truly appreciate every moment I have with them), I will be more present.  It almost seems like a silly thing to make into a resolution, but I'm being honest by saying it isn't happening enough now & I need to resolve to do better.

The second resolution is really as simple as I put it.  Run.  I don't want to aspire to any particular mileage, race, PR, or any other running-related goal, I just want to get back to running.  Since having Graham (well, actually since about the third trimester with him), my running has been very sporadic.  I've lost a lot of the joy I get from it which has held me back from re-establishing the habit.  (Not to mention the fact that I've lost my running partner which makes running not nearly as fun.) I feel so much better when I run though.  I have more energy, less stress, and honestly, it lifts my mood in general.  2015 has to be the year I get back to the joy of running.  Hopefully I'll find a way to make it a regular part of my schedule, but even if I don't, I'm resolving just to do it.  1 mile a week, 10 miles a day, whatever it is, I resolve to do it.  I do plan to run a full marathon still, but I don't think 2015 will be the year.

annnnnnnd, now, I must act upon the first resolution before I even start the new year, as Sweetie Pie Sparkles is begging to sit in his mommy's lap.  :)

Sunday, December 14, 2014

Never Once

Standing on this mountaintop, looking just how far we've come; knowing that for every step, you were with us.
Kneeling on this battleground, seeing just how much you've done; knowing every victory was your power in us.
Scars & struggles on the way, but with joy our hearts can say:
Never once did we ever walk alone.
Never once did you leave us on our own.
You are faithful, God, you are faithful.

Those are powerful words to Never Once, a beautiful song by Matt Redman.  I encourage you to look it up on YouTube & listen, if you're struggling with anything (and who isn't?!) it's so moving!

What brought that up?  Well, this morning I was eager to go to church, but also totally not feeling it.  It's been such a rough week with Kman & I've fallen to my knees (yes, literally) many, many, many times this week, begging, pleading, crying...  The bad behavior marks, the "oops slips", the comments by other people, the chaos of our daily lives, the frustration of living with a child who doesn't hear & respond to things in ways that most people do, the disappointment (once again) in not being able to do "normal" holiday stuff like "everyone else" gets to...  I just don't understand how I am suppose to get through this, I don't understand why I was chosen to be his mother, I don't have a clue why God thought I could handle even a fraction of all that we struggle through every day with Kman - yet here we are.  So, as I was getting ready this morning & debating if I really wanted to drag the kids to church or not, a quiet voice (not literally for those of you keeping tabs) said to just go.  If nothing else, it's a little over an hour of free babysitting.  :p  (That's mostly a joke, even if it's not a good one.)
We got the kids dropped off, got the hubby ((more)) caffeinated, and settled into our seats.  When the music started, I still wasn't feeling it.  Then came this song.  I was holding back the tears as best I could, but a few still managed to leak out.  I have felt SO alone SO often lately.  Nobody else understands my exact struggle.  Sure, there are other parents of special needs kids - some battling bigger obstacles, some smaller, some similar - but every journey is unique, so none of us can completely understand the battle of another.  Sure, there are other people who truly love Kman & feel true sadness, frustration, worry, exhaustion, etc - but none of them feels it the same as I do because I am his MOTHER.  Not even his dad takes it on in the same way that I do.  Oh, I could go on & on with comparisons, but the point is, no matter who else might be able to kind of understand, to empathize with me, to support me, etc, nobody else is as knee deep in this exact struggle as me.  I have felt so very alone!!
Then, this song.
Never once did I ever walk alone - never once did God leave me on my own.  God is faithful.  It's me that's not being so faithful.  I fall to my knees & beg for him to help me, but, I'm looking for him to erase all the hard times, wipe away all the tears, make the heartache go completely away.  It doesn't work that way.  Can any of us, as parents, make life so that our children never feel pain, face difficulties, or have their heart break?  No.  He is not leaving me alone, He is my father & here to hold me, to listen to me, to comfort me, but He's not ever going to just take it all away.  Every time I've fallen down & pleaded for help, I'm sure it has been given, but I've been looking for it in the wrong way.
It's time to quit being so full of "whoa is me" & start finding contentment in what I have on my plate. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am.  (You may know this better as "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength".)  I can make it through anything, and the struggles of my life are certainly something.  That doesn't mean I won't cry out in frustration, pleading for an easier day ahead.  That doesn't mean I won't ask for help when I'm drowning in the midst of emotional turmoil.  That doesn't mean I will cease to feel the pain or that the burdens of my day will become obsolete.  It simply means that no matter who hard any particular day, hour, or moment is, I will be okay in knowing that God has me in His hands & it will all work for His greater will.
Kman will do great things in his life.  I have no doubt of that.  We will all survive his childhood.  I do often have doubts of that...  but I trust that God has that all worked out.  Right now I'm tasked with teaching him how to trust in God & not worry about what any man thinks or says about him.  That's a hard lesson for a young guy, but you can't even imagine the struggles he faces every day.  I stumbled across a website written by a young ADHDer (adhdkidsrock.com) & found the young man's purpose statement so fitting for Kman, as he often complains of these problems.  In fact, I think he could've written this himself.  Stop and think about these words coming out of the mouth of ADHD kids next time you're quick to judge the actions of kids you don't know...
"My life sometimes has been ridiculously hard because I have ADHD - mostly because people don't understand me.  They think I'm bad, what they don't see is how much I struggle and how hard I'm trying to be good and to fit in.  In turn this has taught me compassion for others who are different.  They think I'm stupid, but if they really got to know me they would know how incredibly intelligent and caring I am.  They think I'm going to be a failure and I'm going to prove them wrong."