Running Out of Gas

I'm running out of gas in the mommy tank.  I love my child, he's super intelligent, he's very loving, he's HILARIOUS, he's full of life, he's handsome, he's an all-around, amazing child.  Buuuut (you saw that coming, right?) he's a handful.  I've started to feel absolutely awful because I've realized that all I ever seem to do is reflect on the negative.  When people ask about him, I don't say "he can count to 30, name all the continents, knows most of the states, can spell his name, etc, etc", I say "he doesn't every shut up, he never stops moving, he doesn't sleep, he yells at me & demands things from me, etc, etc".  Sometimes I break down in tears (generally when I'm by myself) because I feel like a failure as a mom.  I see my friends & how they boast about their kids, or, heck, I see their kids & want to boast about them myself.  Then I look across the room & see mine - running carelessly around, screaming at the top of his lungs, jumping off things, destroying toys...  It's not that I'm not proud of him, I AM!  It's not that I don't think he's going to grow up to be an amazing man, HE WILL!  It's just that right now, it's H.A.R.D.  (I imagine, with his personality it always will be.)  He already back-talks (yes, he's 3.5), he already gets notes home from school, he already tells us he's moving away (or, like yesterday, that he wants to live at Mimi's house, not ours).  I wasn't expecting this much intensity from a young child.  I knew these things would come up in my years of parenting, but I never thought they'd come up this early or happen EVERY day (no, I'm not exaggerating). 

I'm sick of yelling.  I'm sick of time outs & spanking & taking things away.  I'm tired of being yelled at.  I'm tired of him DEMANDING things from me.  I'm tired of spending the little bit of time I have with him disciplining him instead of having fun.  This is not what I thought parenting would be.  Truth be told, there are moments that I just want to hand him to someone else & walk away for, well, I have no idea how long.  Thank goodness for the amazing husband & father that Luke is.  He knows when to step in, but he's got to be exhausted too!  Thank goodness we've been together so long already, or our marriage might not have been able to survive the exhaustion that parenting this very special little boy brings.

I googled a little today & found some blogs written by moms of spirited children & it is so encouraging to know that other people are out there feeling exactly like I do.  We might be the minority, but there's more of us out there - I am not alone!  I've ordered some books about parenting a strong-willed/spirited child & I'm hoping they help.  Between seeing that other people really are going through this too (not the people that claim to understand life with a spirited child because ONE time little Timmie threw a fit), and reading up on how to handle a defiant, high-energy kid, I'm hoping to come out of this... well, to come out of it alive is good enough for me!

I want to work on putting a positive spin on the negative traits that are driving me batty, which is easier when he's not sitting next to me than it is when we're in the moment ('cause EVERY waking moment with him is "the moment").  I am writing this down though, as a goal for myself, to see the positive in the midst of the hard moments.

In other news, related in the sense that they bring me stress-relief, I am slowly getting back into the swing of things with my workouts.  I'm back in the gym, running a little, and now I'm trying to pay attention to what I eat (no more ice cream in our house on a regular basis!).  I need to be able to control something in my life, and I need a source for stress relief - exercise wins on both fronts.

So, how's your Monday going?