The thing about ADHD is that you have these periods of time when things are good. You're all coping well, the stress is a bit lower, everyone is somewhat happy... then you have these periods of time when things are REALLY awful. There doesn't seem to be an in between (at least not here), it's good - or, well, it's hell.
It's been several weeks of stress, chaos, anger, extreme hyper, intentional annoyance, unintentional annoyance, insane (and early) mornings, difficult nights... well, you get the idea. I really don't think you can understand what it's like unless you have seen it firsthand (either my version, or your own). I've almost gotten used to the ebb & flow of these peaks. I know not to get comfortable when things are good, but I swear to you that the times of bad seem to be getting longer & longer, along with being more intense. I often smile or give a knowing glance when I see people watch in almost horror as my crazy kiddo does, well, crazy *impulsive* things. Inside though, I'm actually about to break.
Today, I didn't want to get out of the bed. Yes, it's that bad. I can't get much more real than that confession. Dragging myself out of bed was a major chore.
I don't mean that I really wanted to be able to just have a relaxing morning (though I do long for that!), nor do I mean that I just wanted to have a little breather today... I mean I didn't want to get out of bed. Like when people become crippled by depression & can't pull themselves out of bed despite the things around them requiring it. THAT bad. It's not depression though, it's stress. (Which I guess is why I was able to get out of bed, though I was fairly useless most of the day, besides making sure everyone stayed alive.) The stress of school and teh chaos of home has caused a stress that has taken its biggest toll on me yet. Unfortunately, there are no vacation or sick days. There is no nearby relative to offer me a reprieve. There is no time away to recharge. I have a kid to get to school every day & a toddler to keep alive - & happy! - every day. We do have a nice respite coming up, but it's only 2.5 hours. Oh, I'm more than thankful for those 2.5 hours... but... /sigh/
The flip side of it all is thinking of what it must be like for KMan. If he's acting out this much, what on earth is happening inside him? Is he miserable (appearances can lie even in kids, right?)? Is he hurting? Is he scared? Is he overwhelmed? Is he all of those & more? ...and how do I help him?! I know he's a compassionate, loving, well-mannered boy, but all of that hides behind his lack of impulse control, and the scrambled messages in his head, and the lack of self esteem I see continue to grow in him. I hurt for him. So much. As much as my heart hurts because of the amount of love he fills it with, my heart also hurts because of the amount of uncertainty his life seems to bring him.
In moments of sheer desperation & hurt, I fall down & scream out WHY LORD? I don't ever really hear an answer, I think He has missed the memo that in this house we do not do whispers. I know there's a reason. I know there's a reason why KMan is the special guy he is, and that all of his struggles, all of his frustrations, all of his hurts, are all for something greater than we know yet. I also know that He chose me as KMan's advocate because I was the perfect one for the job... but, oh the lessons I continue to be taught are so exhausting!! Patience (I can't seem to get that lesson right, so it comes again and again and again). Trust (I screw up there too, so He keeps pleading for me to have faith). Love (I feel like I get this one... but sometimes it's just so hard. And yet, no matter what I ever do, He loves me. Always.) I'm sure I could go on & on thinking of the lessons I'm being handed. Sometimes I get it, but so often I fail. I am human after all.
Tomorrow is a new day. Plus, it's a school day. So, there's my "vacation". Sorta. I do have another meeting at school though, so I expect it to be trying & even more exhausting. It's just a day though, and it too shall pass.
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