So, here's a glimpse into my trip to Holland...
My son has ADHD. My life is incredibly hard because of it.
I hope that one day he doesn't read this & hate me for it. I hope that he is never embarrassed by who he is, how he thinks, or what his mom (and dad) shared with the world. I feel like too many people are keeping quiet though, and so they feel alone... plus the outsiders - the ones who TRULY believe that you can "spank away" the ADHD, or that it's "made up" by parents. You know, those of us who are lazy & don't want to put effort into raising our kids. bwahahaha! If only they knew!! So, here it is - parenting an ADHD kid from a non ADHDer's point of view...
My son is amazing. Quite possibly more amazing than a neurotypical child in so many ways. How? He doesn't give a flying flip about what other people think, how other people see things, or how much society pushes him to fit into the "norm". He likes what he likes. He does what he does. He is who he is & for the most part a stranger's opinion means nothing to him. Wouldn't it be fabulous to live like that?! He's also so very creative & full of life. I mean FULL of life. He sees the world in all it's beauty & is overwhelmed & excited by every tiny little thing. He doesn't walk through life only focused on his destination - he takes in ALL the scenery. Every. last. little. bit. He also stands his ground. if he believes something to be the truth you will not convince him otherwise. Really, he's amazing. Aren't all KIDS? ...let's stop focusing for one second on his diagnosis & remember that HE'S A KID. So many adults seem to forget that about him. Even his own parents. Because his wisdom is beyond his years & his stamina is well beyond ours. ;)
My son has combined type ADHD (CHADD has info of the types of ADHD here). As with most cases, he also comorbid conditions (read about those here at ADDitude Magazine) of ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder) which is more difficult to manage than you can even imagine, & some SPD (Sensory Processing Disorder), which does seem to be slowly improving. He has some other things going on that lead us to believe there's more... but there is no official diagnosis beyond what I've listed & really that's not even what I'm here to talk about. :) I just wanted to offer some FACTS about the stuff he lives with daily. Now, let me tell you what I live with daily...
My day starts anywhere from 6-7 (though occasionally much, much earlier). I don't even have time to get a cup of coffee in me before K comes bouncing in, demanding things & making insanely annoying sounds. He is a big fan of screeching. Always has been. ALWAYS. Every year I think he'll outgrow it... but, not so much. (He's 6.5 by the way.) He wants breakfast (and I say a silent THANK YOU because he's actually hungry!), but he wants to eat it in "THIS ROOM". When I tell him to sit at the table instead, all hell often breaks loose. On the days it doesn't, he gets his brother (he's 1.5) in on the action by telling him to scream, or throw things, or whatever else crazy idea comes to his mind. I finally get food in him, give him his meds (that take an hour to kick in), and try to sit down & do a devotional with him. Some days that doesn't go so well (like today). So, he moves on to dancing around, throwing toys (in a playful way, but still!), banging on anything that may make a loud sound, and of course there's screeching. Often there is yelling too. If I'm lucky, by this point I've gotten at least part of a cup of coffee down.
Once he's *finally* dressed/brushed/shoed for school, we head off. If we're walking, there's usually a big struggle of keeping up with him while pushing his brother. Making sure he doesn't run in front of cars (our neighborhood has no sidewalks!), and trying to keep him from screaming & waking up all the neighbors. Usually his meds do kick in sometime on the way to school.
I get a "break" for 7 hours while he's in school, but I spend a lot of that time worrying that he's being ignored by classmates, yelled at by staff, not getting enough attention from his teacher, and of course I know he's hardly eating any of his lunch even though I packed his favorite things. (On the subject, let's not judge other kids' lunches, okay? I put stuff in there that isn't ideal for what I want a kid eating, but my goal during his medicated hours is to get SOMETHING in him. If that means that today he's eating Cheetos, Muscle Milk, & freeze dried apples, then that's what it is. ...though that would honestly be a feast for him. I'm more likely to see 3/4 of the Muscle Milk & all of the apples back at home for snack time.)
When I pick him up, he's usually in a pretty good mood. Sometimes he gets to have a playdate or we go somewhere fun, but usually he has a schedule that we stick to. Ever minute of his day has to be planned out or he goes apesh!t. Sorry, but that's the honest truth. He thrives on schedules. ...can you imagine having to keep up with a toddler AND ensure that your 6.5 year old is following a schedule every minute of the day? EX.HAUS.TING. For real.
Around 4 the fun starts back up.
Screeching. Yelling. Silly noises. Running into walls. Banging on things. You know, anything loud & crazy. He loves that stuff. Keeping him busy (and sticking to his schedule) helps a lot, but some days are just CRAZY. Also, if he had a rough day at school, he's probably starting to take that out on me by now. Yay. I feel honored that he knows I love him so much that he can't hurt me... but, man, does it hurt! It's so hard. I find myself yelling. I hate yelling. I find myself wanting to run away. I find myself losing my ever loving mind!! ...but it's only 4pm!
Dinner time always goes the same. We all sit down, the food is served, and immediately "I don't like..." "I am NOT eating...". Every time. Even the days that I specifically make stuff he likes, so that I don't have to hear all that. Once he finally starts eating something, he also starts getting his brother to act up again. Spitting grapes across the table, screeching, standing in the high chair...
The rest of the evening is full of some laughter, lots of screaming, often crying, more screeching, lots & lots & lots of activity. I've never, ever seen a kid move so much! I wish words could explain how much he GOES. They can't though. He's just always, always, always moving.
He gets a sleep aid with dinner. It takes 2+ hours to kick in, even though it's supposed to make him tired right away. hahaha, funny. By 8(ish) he's supposed to be winding down for bed. He usually is at least in bed by 9. But bedtime is full of rituals. He has to have a certain blanket, he has to have his Dreamlight turned a certain way, must have the right white noise on, he has to give us hugs in a certain order, be tucked in, have his water, then he has to say his prayer (the same one, always), then tell his dad the "magic words" (he's said these since he was 2, though he has at least shortened it!) "mwah, mwah, mwah, have a fabulous night-night, check & bye-bye. If I'm in my room check on me 5 times & cuddle with me googaplex times.". Then I have to tuck the blanket up by his head, hug him, & he has to tell me the magic words. All done! ...hahahaha, no. Then he has to tell me anything & everything he can think up on the spot to keep me from leaving. AND, when I finally get to leave, I have to lay in my bedroom next door until he's asleep. Plus, we have to have certain lights on. (Heaven help you if you turn them off in the middle of the night because he WILL wake up!) If all of those things as done just right, he'll be asleep in 15-30 minutes. ...at least for a while. :p
Then, 2am comes & he screams for me. He can't sleep. Some days I can just sit with him & he drifts back off... some days it's a struggle. Some mornings he's up at 4am (or earlier, blah) to start the day. A lot of those days he will go play video games & not wake me. ...on purpose. He turns on every light in the house though, and I have mommy instincts that kick in even w/out all the lights on. Those days, those are great. Especially since the toddler still doesn't sleep all night either. :)
Some of you may read this & think it's not that different from your days. But this is EVERY day. Without fail. I really can't convey the full craziness of it in words either. It's exhausting though! In some ways, it has gotten better with age (he can do more for himself at least!), but not at all like I always thought. I've known something was different about his since pretty much day 1, but I had no doubts by 9 months. He's insanely smart, but the energy & lack of impulse control is so draining!!
I can't even tell you all the crazy things that he's done in public. He punched a big screen tv (the display) in Best Buy once. One day, he picked up a sausage & beat me with it while screaming "wiener!" at the grocery store. He escaped from his preschool when he was 4. Thankfully it was almost pick-up time & his Ma saw him. He tried to dive off a 10' ledge into a shallow pool of water when he was 3, but I was *right there*, as always, and saved him. I was always seen as a helicopter parent when he was a toddler, but if I wasn't 3 steps ahead of him, he possibly wouldn't have survived his own lack of impulse control. We got lots & lots of notes/calls about him hitting/pushing/shoving kids in preschool. I had to chase him through all of Costco once. Just recently he walked across a street right in front of a truck that was *luckily* watching & slammed on their brakes. He's thrown the most epic fits of all time in public, and as others gawked & commented on my parenting skills, I proceeded with the directions I had been given in behavioral therapy (yeah, get off your high horses people, some of us DO set boundaries & still end up as THAT parent in the store). I've been slapped, hit, pinched, called names, yelled at, kicked... and cried on more times than I can count. At 6.5 he still sometimes has tantrums bigger than most 2 year olds can throw.
I tried EVERYTHING I could to help him, without medicating him. It isn't an easy decision for any parent to make, to medicate their precious child. It wasn't about me "controlling" him or "not wanting to deal", it was knowing that he couldn't function in this world unmedicated. Without meds he has no control over his actions, he can't focus on anything, and he's crazy mean. I still question my choice to medicate him. Daily. However, he's doing well (academically) in school, he's able to go out & do "normal" things during the day, and he's this amazing, thoughtful & loving kid. When I took him in to see about medicating him, the director made it clear that they do not like to use medication as a first line of help. Before our interview was even finished, before his official tests were even back, she suggested I go ahead & make an appt with the psychiatrist. It was obvious to her that I HAD tried every other option & that he needed more help than I could give him. His psychiatrist has been great, and being medicated has really helped him in so many ways. I can't say if I'll continue to medicate him forever, but I can say that HE prefers the way he feels medicated. He feels out of control & sad when he's not medicated. At 6 he knows that?!
Stop judging us. Stop thinking we're lazy parents because we medicate our kids. Most of us medicate them so they can function in school & we see very little of that side of them at home. We all struggle with the choice we made (parents who don't medicate struggle with that choice too!), and we're all just trying to do the best we can for our kids. Also, doctors aren't just handing out pills. It's not that easy. ESPECIALLY for young kids. Most pediatricians won't medicate young kids & there aren't tons of child psychiatrists out there (at least not around me, and I live in one of the biggest cities in the US). Nobody wants to create zombies out of children, we just want to help them see the world clearly & be the best they can be.
Oh, and also, stop the crap about spanking it out of them. You can't spank ADHD out of a person any more than you can hug depression out, or smile aggression away.
No comments:
Post a Comment