Yesterday morning, Sweetiepiesparkles tripped over the sidewalk. He'd had a rather rough day the day before, so I asked him if he was going to have another rough day. His response was "I wake up mommy, I wake up.".
Such an innocent statement that had such a profound meaning to ME. Lately (and especially this week!) I feel like just waking up = a rough day. I've cleaned poop from places it shouldn't be, I've cleaned pee off of walls, I've gotten emails & calls about Kman from school, I've had a flat tire, endless laundry & dishes, complete exhaustion to battle (gee, I wonder why!)... the list goes on & on. It's nothing especially out of the norm (okay, maybe my kids don't usually poop outside in a pile of dog poo...), but when it all seems to be piling up... Wow.
I feel overwhelmed & helpless. I feel lost, and yet I'm the leader. So many people truly seem to believe ADHD is not real. I am here to tell you with so. much. conviction that it IS real. The hardest part of having a child with ADHD is that he overwhelms the family. I don't necessarily mean that in a bad way, but sometimes it is bad. He is SO MUCH. He's more awesome than any kid I've ever met. He's full of so much more energy than anyone I've ever met. He's so, so, so smart. He's the center of attention 110% of the day. When he's not the center, for just a brief moment, he makes himself the center. Everything in our lives revolve around him. It's exhausting & just so very difficult. Seriously, imagine one of your kids going 90 to nothing from 7am - 9pm (on a good day ;)) & pulling everything around him in to him, him, him. When he's happy (which is not often enough!), the whole family is happy. When he's angry, he sucks us all into anger. When he's sad, we're all sad. When he's anxious, we're all on edge. The only thing he doesn't seem to share is all that energy. I really wish he'd share that!!
I decided early on this summer to stop medicating him. I grew to love who he was all over again (even though I became more exhausted). He started eating & gained lots of weight. He started sleeping (first time in 7 years!!!!). He started being his crazy, carefree self. So when it came time for school, I continued on without medicating him. I met with the school beforehand & gave them a very detailed portfolio all about how awesome he is, and also all the quirks he has that would *no doubt* become apparent & need to be addressed.
From day 1, there have been issues, all of which are typical ADHD behaviors & nothing shocking to me. He climbs the walls in the bathroom. He doesn't stop talking, ever. He sucks all the energy of the classroom into him *spotlight*. He doesn't follow directions. He doesn't pay attention. He doesn't stop even after multiple warnings. He stuck a paperclip in an outlet (who knew you needed to babyproof for a 7 year old? ...well, actually, *I* knew). He is a hot mess at school, and school just isn't the right place to be a hot mess. If I homeschooled him, he could be all that, it would be okay, we would make it work. Simple truth though, I have no interest in attempting homeschool. At least right now. Maybe not ever. Who knows what the future will bring though. So, back to the drawingboard we all go. His teachers, his counselor, his #1 advocate (me, duh). We all have to figure this out & make things right for him.
I asked him this morning what he wanted. I asked him point-blank if he preferred being medicated. He said, for school, yes. So, there you have it. I won't deny what he wants, since he knows what feels best. I want to do right by him. Is 7 too young to make that decision? I don't know, but I know that I'm struggling, so I'll do what he feels is best. Or I'll attempt it at least. That means finding a new dr though. One that will listen to me. One that won't add meds on top of meds to cover up side effects. The problem is, there aren't that many pediatric psychiatrists out there. So, all those folks that think it's sooooo easy to get meds for kids & turn them into "zombies", let me tell you - NOPE. Not so easy. There are so many regulations around it all that it's like an act of congress to get them. At least it is for me.
I think I planned on taking this post somewhere else entirely, but I got distracted by a phone call from the school. (Go figure.) Of course, I also happened to get a call from a robot-telemarketer that said "I just won a free trip to the Bahamas". IF. ONLY. I'd be on the first plane!! ...no, actually I wouldn't, there are 2 amazing little boys here that need their mommy to be their voice when they don't have the words. As exhausting as it is, I cannot imagine any greater calling in my life than to be the mother of these 2 incredible little guys. Thank you God for knowing better than I. For knowing that these lives would change mine in such a way that I can't even begin to comprehend. Thank you God for entrusting such a spirited child into my care, so that I may grow to be a more patient & caring person. Help me to do right by him & help me to know that it's okay to make mistakes - as long as I learn from them.
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